A Single Mom Reflection of Sorts

I posted this in response to this, if you'd like to read in order:
YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

I had my child at 24 and am now 37 and time has assisted me in gaining some interesting perspectives on dating and relationships. 


A few things strike me from reading this string: men by their evolutionary nature are hunters (and I really mean this in the best way possible). Women are by their nature, nuturers.

A single mother caring for a young child, in particular, represents an interesting challenge to the uninitiated, childless guy, as fairly immediately his most visceral needs can be met. The single mom also gives a guy a pretty good glimpse into what kind of mom she might be if he were to choose her one day.

The single mom, on the other hand, walks on a tightrope: she’s balancing the kid, dating/relationship, job, -ex, etc. etc. with varying degrees of success and predictability and also trying to remember and/or figure out who the heck she is as an individual in the midst of all of this.

As an aside, from a sheer age perspective, I also believe women radically evolve in their thinking, independence, mindset, sexuality more from ages 25-35 than men do and a child certainly stands to greatly enhance that curve/divide. No matter what the past relationship that led to the birth of the child or children, you can pretty well guarantee, that the woman is grappling with who she is without the identity of partner as part of her paradigm shift.

When my son was very small, I ran from a couple very, very nice guys because (in retrospect) I was still trying to figure out how to balance everything I mention above. It was relatively easy to date the guy not interested in your kid, as you could put them in a certain spot and deal with them in the context of your life accordingly. That’s safe. It was the nice guys, those with potential that were harder to deal with…because they brought up all my issues and really (eventually) made me confront who I am as a woman. That’s scary!

Unfortunately, this is not wisdom that was immediately available to me: I sadly exhibited some of the same behaviors these amazingly patient guys describe above: going aloof, not answering texts, claiming to be too busy, suddenly not attracted, etc. because I really just had no idea what was happening inside my heart and mind, let alone who I was, and what I wanted from a partnership.

I had an exceptionally difficult time discerning which guys wanted my kid (or me to run down the aisle and fire out MORE kids), versus the ones that wanted me. For me, there was a VERY distinct difference between the two: I wanted you to fall for me, as an intellectual, thinking, woman before you’d get a chance with my kid, whether or not you’d met him. I had no idea if I even wanted more kids because I was so exhausted from the one I already had; although I’d quite often speak the contrary as it appalled me to think that a man might want MY kid but not their own. (Insert more emotional baggage/turmoil).

Again, of course in retrospect, I believe at least one of these nice guys DID fall for me/my mind..but at the time it sure seemed to me that there were plenty of suitors out there who were merely looking for a good women to father their future babies, and that TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. I ran every time. So sorry guys, but what a horrific thing to try and balance!

Years later when I realized what I was doing, went back and apologized, and then got over being disappointed in myself for running/hurting a couple really great men, I intrinsically understood that I just wasn’t ready. I could not possibly fall in love one of these amazing men, because I had not yet forgiven myself for my failed relationship, and I could not imagine that any man would love me for me exactly where I was.

It’s part of that awesome cliche: YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONATE TO THE AMOUNT YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

It seems exceptionally immature as I look back at my behaviors ten or twelve years ago in hindsight, but I am always amazed when I jump on this site how this theme seems to repeat itself with women, and in particular, single moms. There are a lot of us figuring ourselves out, on the job, so to speak!

When we women/single moms don’t give ourselves time to figure US out before we go and try to serve the needs of another individual AND our kids, I believe it’s a recipe for long term disaster or at the very least, repeating the same mistakes in a relationship all over again.

Enter well meaning man, who is a “fixer” by nature and you have the contents of this whole board of posts.

After you figure out all of that…it becomes a matter of timing and finding one of these beautiful diamonds/men in the rough. Paul, I can unequivocally tell you, there is hope and it is absolutely positively worth the wait. Things will ultimately work out at they should…if you allow them to do so, but you have to LET GO INSTEAD OF HANG ON, and act/speak according to your gut.

In my case, pretty much the minute I let COMPLETELY go of the notion of ever finding someone, and got 110% happy by myself, my best pal from 17 years past appeared…and the rest is a story we plan to continue writing for a very long time: my kidless man, my kid and me.